September 16, 2006
Times are a’changin’
I think that today is one of those critical moments the whole world quietly turns around the corner, right under our noses in fact, and you usually never realize it until much later… actually it was exactly that very quiet, unremarkable moment when everything begun to change.
I just finished swapping stories of the day with my girlfriend. Actually, I didn’t have much to swap since I just stayed at home on the computer. But she spent the day at the wedding celebrations of a relative so she had more to share. Of course, first, she had to tell me that my camera has gone on the fritz and needs to go to the repair shop. Then, she updates me on how much the kids in the family have grown up since we last saw them. Then, complains about how awful the weather was. And in between the family gossip starts to laugh… “You know the `little baby’ (actually a 13yo boy) has grown up a lot! He looks like a man now! Mom asked if he has started dating, but cousin looked at her funny, ‘How can he date?! He studies at an all-boys prep school!’ Mom didn’t miss a beat and replied, ‘What, he can’t date boys?’”
We both share a good long laugh and after we run out of stories. I kiss her goodnight and come to my computer to wrap up things. I loaded up my customized Google news page and read the following top headlines …
Eminent Indians urge end to archaic anti-gay law
Monsters and Critics.com - 5 hours ago
By Sunrita Sen Sep 16, 2006, 11:12 GMT. New Delhi – An archaic Indian law that bans consensual same- sex acts is in the spotlight again with a group of 150 eminent Indian citizens asking for its repeal. In …
Jewish leader says ban on gay rabbis likely to be lifted
Houston Chronicle - 10 hours ago
By RACHEL ZOLL. NEW YORK – A key Conservative Jewish leader is traveling the country to prepare synagogues for a potentially divisive change: The movement will roll back its ban on ordaining openly gay rabbis …
Flamenco flamboyance at Spain gay military wedding
Reuters India - 13 hours ago
SEVILLE, Spain (Reuters) – Two airmen became the first gay Spanish military couple to marry on Friday, accompanied by a fire-cracker chorus of flamenco clapping, guitars and a crowd of hearty-voiced well-wishers. …
Christensen likes reading gay rumours
Digital Spy - 1 hour ago
The Star Wars actor is happy to receive so much attention from tabloids and wants the speculation to continue. “It’s fun, entertaining – a joke,” he explained. “To me masculinity is the ability to flirt with the effeminate. …
Gay marriage opponets to drop referendum battle
ABC7Chicago.com - 1 hour ago
September 16, 2006 – A group that opposes gay marriage says it’s dropping a legal battle to hold a referendum on the issue in Illinois this fall. The Illinois Family Institute says it has decided not to challenge the latest court ruling against it. …
Now that I’m convinced all is well in the world, I guess I can sleep peacefully tonight.
January 5, 2006
Bring on the New Year!
I can’t help it, everybody else is making New Year’s resolutions or crazy predictions of the end of world. So, I’m dying to write down my predictions for the future of the same-sex marriage legalization in the U.S.
- By the end of 2006, at least 50% of Americans will believe that same-sex marriage should be legally valid.
On the first of May of 2005, 39% Americans believed that marriages between homosexuals should be considered legally valid (Pew Research Poll). That’s a 12 point increase from 1996. But it’s worth noting that the years between 2003 and 2005 have seen very rocky times. It’s no coincidence this is also the time when the Federal Marriage Amendment was being debated and Massachusettes broke national headlines with the news of legal same-sex marriage in the state. Gay activists have been calling this period a backlash against the recent advances in gay and lesbian equality. And they predict it will eventually die down and the inevitably progress towards full equality will continue.Could we really make an 11 point increase in one year after only a 12 point increase in 10 years? Is 50% support being overly optimistic? Ok, I’ll admit that I’m aiming for a little shock value. That 50% number is the tipping point in a society like America where the majority rules above all else. But here’s what I am keeping in mind: (1) polls are notoriously fickle and even the smallest word change can lead to significantly higher numbers (2) Spain, South Africa, Canada, and the UK all recently legalized same-sex marriage and I think this will have a big influence on the U.S. (esp. Canada and the UK). In short, I believe that 2006 will start seeing a “critical mass” effect with popular opinion on homosexuality. - The state supreme court in Washington, if not others, will rule in favor of same-sex marriage in 2006.There have been a number of court cases developing across the nation on this issue and Washington is due for a ruling any time now. The lower courts in Washington have already ruled in favor and the conditions look quite favorable. Others states have cases going through the courts like Iowa, New Jersey, New York, California, and Oregon. There is a high chance one or more of these courts will also rule in favor of gay marriage although it may not happen this year due to the long, drawn-out legal processes involved.
- Washington’s state will pass the non-discrimination bill for GLBTs.This bill failed by just one vote last year right after Microsoft withdrew its support. Although Microsoft later rescinded, it was too late: the vote had been counted. After 30 years of struggling for this bill to get past, the time has come. The supporters are planning to bring it back in the coming legislative session and, after such a close call, people are pretty confident this time. So am I. (You might have noticed by now that I come from Washington state.)
- By the end of 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court will rule the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unconstitutional or else make a similar pro-same sex marriage ruling.I’m having too much fun with these predictions, because I am now making predictions for the decade. Again, I’m probably taking long shots on this one, but I rather be optimistic than pessimitic. I think it’s fair to say that we’re going to start looking towards the Supreme Court given what happening with the states: some are making constitutional amendments to ban same sex marriage while others are legalizing it. We just can’t avoid facing up to the debate indefinitely. The idea “for each state its own” will not last long when same sex couples from one state get a slap of discrimination in the face in another state. Moreover, the change in popular attitudes will eventually cast this issue into a case as clear as black and white much like the 1967 Supreme Court ruling legalizing interracial marriage.
Now, I have to add a disclaimer that I am not a legal scholar or a politician or even a political science major. I’m just going off of reports in the media and my own intuition. So my predictions don’t have any academic value. Yet I think my predictions have something to offer: hope. These are my “realistic” dreams of how the U.S. can become a better place. They also keep me sane when I hear all the bigoted comments from people who are still afraid of gay and lesbians.
A crazy side-question I have been thinking about now is whether I would reconsider going back to the U.S. if same-sex marriage was legalized before Dec 2010. By my previous plans, that would be right around the time I would immigrate to Canada (from my current Hong Kong home). I would kinda like to think I would give the U.S. a second chance if my partner and I were actually treated with basic respect by the U.S. government. But, honestly, there would be a lot of other factors for us to consider…like career, school, and family… So, actually I think I am going to have to stop my fortune-telling at this point. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed some of my other predictions bear out.
September 29, 2005
一路同行: The universal movement for LGBT equality
This post was written in the end of June 2005, but I didn’t feel quite ready to post it until now:
People who have traveled to foreign countries love to make the cliche statement about how people all around the world, no matter what their superficial differences may be, all share the same core of the human experience. Last night, while taking part in the one year anniversary celebrations of the Sichuan University’s gay alliance in Chengdu, China I thought about that statement over and over.
First, a little background: The gay alliance which is known as “SU Friends” (川大朋友) was setup a year ago among an original group of 21 students. Since then, it has grown significantly and its members are quite well-organized. It is not an official student club of the university, but nor is many other active student clubs given the trouble it takes to get official recognition. Besides all the bureaucratic processes, the main barrier for this club would probably be passing the Communist Party censors of the university. Regardless, there are a number of students who have taken up leadership roles and through name cards, an online instant messenger known as QQ, online BBS’s, word of mouth, the local gay bar, etc they have built up a strong network. There are also straight students who are involved and one, in particular, is heavily involved with the organization. He is a graduate student who is researching GLBT issues. Although “SU Friends” is primarily male, I was told there is another group specifically for lesbians. Perhaps I could find out more on that one later.
Another American classmate (David) and I joined up with the night of the celebrations just in time for a Chinese banquet style dinner. We met at a well-known campus restaurant with five large tables already set and waiting. As we were waiting for the other students, one member warned us that some people might not come because there is a lot risks for them to be seen in such a public place with other known gay students. But in a short time, the tables were completely full with around 50 students chatting and laughing up a storm. David and I were already blown over with the turnout, even though we knew there would be even more people at the after-dinner festivities in a gay bar downtown. But to see these students willing to come together at a public location in the clear view of their other classmates was a sight to behold.
As I looked across the students of our group, I was trying to put my finger on what was just so blatantly different about us. Perhaps some of the guys had a little more edgy fashion with their color choices, or crystal necklaces, or pierced ears. But there was plenty of other guys whose plain shirt and jeans combo would never stand out in the typical scene of Chinese university students. Perhaps it was the… our Chinese friend turned to David and I, and suddenly asked, “Are there sissy guys in the U.S. too?” We laughed over the idea that the question even needs to be asked and our friend explained that in Chinese the word for sissy is “C”. I looked back at the crowd, well, yes the Cs definitely do stand out. But that still didn’t account for all the people of the group. The fact was that we all knew that we shared one particular facet of the human experience and even though all our attempts to label it and categorize might fail to capture its true essence, we all intuitively knew of our common bond. Right as I thought about this, David turned to me with a big grin, “Oh honey! We’ve come home!”
In typical Chinese banquet fashion, we held innumerable toasts for the hard work of each of the leaders of the group, for the group as a whole, for the future, for the sacrifices made, and some made just for an excuse to drink another glass. As dinner wound down, we were told that the bill was already taken care of and people filtered out to catch a ride to the bar downtown.
I had never been to Chengdu’s most well-known gay bar before but David had given me a briefing beforehand. It has been around for eight years (well, there was some controversy on this number) and does good business with its regular nightly drag show. But like all bars in China, it can only operate with the right political connections especially those with the police. From the stories we have heard, a bar without connections is inevitably shut down by police within a short time and this is especially true of gay bars.
Upon our entry, we were urged to sign the silk covered guestbook as per the custom of Chinese anniversaries, birthdays, marriages, etc. and take our free gift: condoms. The gift said as much as the posters documenting the AIDS work plastered around the entrance: the birth of the gay movement in China has been legitimized partly by the efforts to curb AIDS. Politely turning down the my free gift, I thought about the apparent invisibility of lesbians in China, a phenomenon that is also common to the U.S.
Inside the bar, we quickly learned that the whole establishment has been specially reserved for this momentous event. The tables all had a paper outlining the night’s events which included a number of karoake performances, a couple dance performances that are standards from the drag show routine, a couple comedy skits, a public celebration of student couples who have found love, and the grand finale of “Happy Birthday” and cake-cutting. The graduate student who did a lot of organizing for this night expected 150 students from all the major universities and colleges of Chengdu (a city of about 11 million people) to come. I would estimate we had over 200 people which was as much as the floor could hold and plus some.
While the crowd was mostly made up of guys, there were a number of women who had come as well. Some were with their gay guy friends, giving them moral support or perhaps keeping their eye out for another single girl in the company of her gay guy friends. But there was also a handful of female couples sitting closely with their hands clasped and chatting it up with friends. I watched one particular love-struck couple sitting in front of me during the shows. While her girlfriend sat on her lap and she wrapped her arms her waist and they watched the comedy skit performed in the local Sichuanese dialect of a gay guy getting setup with a woman despite his desperate attempts to explain what being gay means. And after each hilarious punchline, they would turn and look into each others eyes laughing and smiling.
It was clear how much this night meant to many of the people there. This was a place where they could finally let down their guard. The guys could dress up in any style they wanted, whether it be black chiffon and a feather boa or baggy jeans and a bandanna and then sing their heart out on stage in front of a packed house. Couples could hold hands and hug freely without fear of who can see them and what they will they think. Couples were even invited to come up on stage to sign a very official looking certificate which attested to their love, introduce themselves and how they met, and get a couple more free gifts to remind them of the meaning of safe sex. The symbolism of the couples signing the mock certificate in a country where everything deemed valid has some sort of official looking certificate with a red stamp on it couldn’t be overlooked. This might be the only “stamp of approval” that these young couples get in a society where the government ignores them and parents often incessantly ask their grown children when they are going to get married and have kids.
There was also a short interview with the one of the MCs and the graduate student who was so well known in the community. He was honored with a dozen roses and then opened up with the question that everybody had been gossiping about: “Are you gay?” It seemed this question had been presented on many other occasions and he chuckled good-naturely while trying to explain his sincere interest in helping the community. He fielded a couple more questions and the MC ended with a final question, “You’re really not gay?” It seemed that the students had a hard time believing that a straight person could be willing to work so closely with their community just out of the goodness of his heart. Given the fact that the government has long ignored China’s gay community, it’s a reasonable skepticism. Chengdu has started up a AIDS awareness organization a couple years ago that operates from an office just a few doors down from the gay bar. But it remains an underground organization with no official government recognition or support.
Witnessing what the young Chinese gay community has done here in Chengdu was amazing to say the least. Homosexuality was only taken off the list of medical disorders from the Chinese psychological association about four years ago. The police will still raid gay bars and cruising spots and incidents of brutality is not unheard of. Although homosexuality is one of the government’s gray areas where there is no official policy, it’s generally regarded as unacceptable. And yet despite the grave consequences that could come about if a person is deemed subversive to the Communist Party, these young people have refused to stay silent and be forced back into the shadows. Without any outside support, even in the face of direct opposition, they have made creative use of very meager resources with spectacular results.
Perhaps it was while watching the neo-traditional Chinese dance routines by some of the regular drag show performers that I was most struck by the thought of how deeply embedded the phenomenon of “queer” is into human culture. Men dressed in traditional Chinese women’s clothing, dancing, and singing in falsetto isn’t odd in the least. It’s only been going on in China for a couple thousands of years. And traditional Chinese opera is still celebrated today with special TV documentaries and museum exhibitions on the well-known performers like Bak Suet Sin (白雪仙) who was famous for her male roles. Of course, these documentaries usually gloss over their real-life queer features like Bak Suet Sin’s life-long and committed relationship to fellow female performer Yam Kim Fai (任劍輝). But it’s not just China, male crossdressing is a familiar scene to all those who appreciate Shakespeare in western culture. Theater and arts is one of the traditional roles that many societies allowed the “sissies”, “butches”, “genderfucks”, etc. to exist and express themselves. But some modern-day people try to actually claim that homosexuality and transgenderism is foreign to human nature and has no place in our societies. There are American conservatives who think that gay is a modern-day phenomenon and Chinese people who think it’s just a vice introduced from the Western world. But to sit in a modern gay bar in a Chinese city deep in the mainland, surrounded with a young Chinese audience, watching middle-aged men in drag performing this neo-traditional Chinese dance incorporating folk songs and folk costumes… the realization that gays, lesbians, bis, trans are all a natural part of the universal human experience becomes much easier to grasp.
On the backdrop of the stage is the phrase “一路同行” which could be translated as “we are all on the same path together.” What an appropriate phrase for the night. Not only has the group helped bring together students who have gone through the same life experience of being gay and who fight for the same respect that all people deserve, it also highlights the universal movement for GLBT equality and the community of love and life that all people share.
June 19, 2005
The danger of seatbelts
I was reading my “Friend Exchange” (朋友通信) journal the other day. This is a part-scholarly, part-community building Chinese publication on lesbian and gay issues a friend of mine passed along. Although it’s an underground publication, you would never know by its professional-looking publishing at Tsingdao University and the support it receives from the Ford Foundation. What makes it underground is that it is not sold publicly or available through “official channels.”
Anyways, in the “Friend Exchange” was a transcript of the CCTV news forum show entitled “Homosexuality: Avoiding it is no better than facing it” (同性恋：回避不如正视) which aired on Dec 2, 2004. While reading it, I ran into an inspiring quote:
“Like now, when we are trying to prevent AIDS, we can finally publicize the issue of using condoms. For a number of years, we would publicize the issue all the time but it would just be silenced because it received strong opposition. But now we can finally publicly discuss it. I really appreciated the words a scholar once said to me, ‘It’s just like advocating or requiring the use of vehicular seatbelts. We require people to use seatbelts, not because we want them to get in a car accident but because we want them to have a precaution measure.’” — Hu Pei-cheng
It got me thinking: yeah, what about seatbelts? Isn’t promoting seatbelts just giving people a license to kill? If you know that you are safer while wearing a seatbelt, why not take more risks? Why not drive faster and be a little more reckless? You have a seatbelt after all! Well, ok, maybe grown adults are more rational than this. But what about the young adults who just got their license? When we tell them to use seatbelts, we are virtually saying “it’s ok to drive recklessly.” If we really wanted to have our kids be safe, we wouldn’t let have access to seatbelts at all. This would teach them to drive cautiously all the time! Besides, seatbelts aren’t a 100% effective anyhow. We’re lying to our kids by telling them that seatbelts are safe. Actually there are stats that show 34% of teen fatalities in car accidents were of teens who were wearing their seatbelt (for adults it’s 38.5%)! The truth is that seatbelts are dangerous! It’s the promotion of seatbelts that has lead to all the teen car accidents in recent years. We should start calling our legislators and telling them to introduce legislation to stop promoting seatbelts on TV, roadsigns, and in schools.
Ahem. With that said, let’s look back at the issue of condoms and sex education. What country has the lowest rate of teen pregnancies in the western world, an average age of 17.7 for first-time sexual intercourse, and 85% condom use among sexually active teens? The Netherlands. What country has the highest rate of teen pregnancies in the western world, an average age of 15.8 for first-time sexual intercourse, and 38% condom use among sexually active teens? U.S.A. What is the difference between these two countries? One of most notable differences is sex education.
In the Netherlands, sex education is talked about frankly by parents and teachers alike. Condoms and birth control pills are easily available for young and old. Teachers address sexuality whenever it is relevant, whether the class be biology, health, psychology, or whatever. The underlying themes in the Netherlands on sex education is reliable information and open discussion. In the U.S., the federal government sponsors an abstinence-only program which cannot mention condoms at all, unless talking about their failure rates. Half of schools use this program. Is it any wonder that the number is so high, seeing how the U.S. government gives more money to the schools that teach abstinence only? Given the widespread budget problems in public schools, what school wouldn’t do just about anything (including misinforming students) for a few extra bucks? Both the Netherlands and the U.S. have an “anything goes” attitude towards sex and the media, but in the U.S. TV and movies is the only widely available information young people have to sex.
Let’s give an real-life story of a woman: she loses her virginity shortly after her 15th birthday, virtually never uses condom and uses the pill about 50% of the time, goes through her high school’s abstinence-only sex education program even though she is already sexually active, never talk to her parents about sex and they never talk to her, at 18 she becomes pregnant (like 34% of teen women) and has an abortion. According to the stats, she is truly an all-American girl.
The fact is that teens are going to have sex. This is unavoidable given human nature and sexuality. But STD’s, pregnancy, abortion, etc. are avoidable. We just need to give young people the tools they need to make responsible decisions. In this age of modern science, no teen needs to learn how to be responsible about sex through trial and error.
Now, why is a post on sex education on this blog? Because I believe one of the core problems with the struggle for GLBT civil rights is a general lack of knowledge about sexuality. How many people know that it is completely uncontroversial that homosexuality is not a choice in scientific circles? How many people know that homosexuality occurs in nature (often!)? How many people know that many babies are born every year whose biological sex does not match their genitalia? Have they heard the terrible stories of doctors who arbitrarily assigned intersexed babies a gender, never told them, and let them grow up knowing deep down that their body doesn’t make their gender? Many of them find themselves attracted to the same sex and wish everyday they were the other sex. Only when they are far into adulthood do they find out that it was a doctor long ago who decided their genitalia was not “normal,” chose the easiest path to “fix them,” and told the parents to raise them according to that gender regardless of their chromosomes or of the previous experience of people with the same condition.
We live in a society that represses accurate sexual health information and then fills the airwaves with completely false conceptions of sexuality. I laugh when my Chinese friends ask, “Aren’t Americans really open about sex?” I think there are careful distinctions that have to be made: while the media is open about sex and while people’s behavior is “open,” honest and frank discussions on sex are few and far between. On the risk of sounding like an extremist, I would say we are living in a time of post-sexual liberation and pre-sex education where people are acting extremely irresponsible. Of course, what else could I expect if I tossed car keys to a teenager who had never driven before and said “Seatbelts don’t work,” but for them to engage in irresponsible behavior?
June 6, 2005
The end of my era of internalized homophobia
I started writing a satire on “the danger of seatbelts” about three weeks ago but faltered off. I tried again about two weeks ago to write a post reflecting on the one-year anniversary of same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, but again stopped midway. And even today, I can’t bring myself to finish either of the two. I was trying to discuss the issues politically, but events in my life recently has made all the objective politics of GLBT civil rights completely irrelevant. Because the fact is that the issue at stake here is lives of real people, millions of lives, including my own. And the personal nature of what this blog is all about has been unavoidable in the last few weeks.
After five years of being separated from my girlfriend with only sporadic visits once or twice a year, we finally have secured the means to live together. In two months we will finally be together in the very concrete sense of the word. On top of that news, in last month, there has been a windfall of personal family events that are swiftly changing our lives. As we share this very important event in our lives, our families and friends are coming out to support us like never before. It’s made me realize that the meaning of family has never been as clear and obvious as it is now.
To say that it’s been emotional is an understatement. What surprises me is that with all the joy, there is also another emotion that I have to deal with: anger. Juxtapose with the huge relief and celebration that the last five years of incredibly hard work has paid off, is anger towards all the obstacles that have stopped me from being with the person I love. I tried hard to minimize this anger, to kindly remind myself that we all have our crosses to bear, but during this time those reminders fall on my deaf ears. I hate to admit this anger. I have never thought of myself as an angry person. I always stood steadfast to the ideals of pacifism and patience. I am tempted to think that acknowledging anger is admitting defeat.
But on further reflection, who isn’t angry at injustice? What are the feelings of the victims of violent crime? The survivors of the Holocaust? The emancipated slaves? The veterans of war? The citizens who endure tyranny? After the initial relief when their immediate suffering ends, how could they not have some anger?
But I realize that the problem is not the anger itself however, the crux of the matter is how to express the anger. For me there is no other way but to write. But the more I write and the more I speak truthfully, the more I have noticed the small voice that follows me in the back of my mind. This voice reminds me to temper my words. Perhaps with the right words I could extend an olive branch to those very people who so vehemently support the oppression of GLBTs. It’s the echos of the words I cannot avoid in this society, it’s the voice echoed by people I have actually known personally in my life, and it’s most clearly visible by the words of people who have chosen to devote their lives to bigotry to satisfy their greed:
- “AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals.” –Jerry Falwell
- “Homosexuality is an abomination. The practices of those people is appalling. It is a pathology.”–Pat Robertson (700 Club, 6-6-88)
- “If we do not act now, homosexuals will ‘own’ America!…If you and I do not speak up now, this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women, and children who get in its way…and our nation will pay a terrible price!”–Jerry Falwell (People for the American Way, “Hostile Climate,” 1997, p.15)
- “Not only is homosexuality a sin, but anyone who supports fags is just as guilty as they are. You are both worthy of death (Romans 1:32),” — Fred Phelps quoted by State Press (Arizona State University), March 11, 1998
- “Homosexuality is a crime against humanity.”- Paul Cameron’s pamphlet Criminality, Social Disruption and Homosexuality
I have always wanted to try and understand what is the motivation behind these words of hate. I always believed that if I could understand their core and reasoning, I could somehow shed light on the misconceptions and free people from such intolerance. It’s occurred to me such thinking has caused me terrible writer’s block. Racking my mind for hours to carefully select my words will never stop them from falling on deaf ears. And while trying to find my voice to resist what I know personally to be injustice–and cannot be disguised as anything else–I am realizing how limited and precious my voice is. And it will surely be drowned if I pitch into the sea of intolerance embodies by the quotes above.
Actually, I haven’t just suffered writer’s block, I have allowed these little voices to erect even more obstacles in my life on top of the unavoidable ones written in the unjust laws. Early on, I let two years of my life spiral into a black hole of madness over by believing the faulty logic that “pro-family = anti-gay -> gay = anti-family”. The last strand of that straw house has blown away in this recent month, but only after 8 years. I have tried to bend myself into contortions and lies “for the sake” of others. And I want to call an end to it forever, so I’ve made the decision to come out to my extended family lately. This is last time I have to retract my lies to loved ones but not the last time I have to face the possibility of rejection. And after days of composing my letter, I have been sitting it for week to think it over. It’s that little voice again who has dragged it out for so long. But I am calling an end to writing to please that little voice too.
So what am I writing now for? I am reminded of my friend who came out as transgendered a few years ago and has begun life anew as a woman. A mutual friend of ours was encouraging her to engage in activism and get involved in the trans community. She told me she didn’t come out as transgendered to be an activist, she did it because she simply couldn’t live under the lie of a being a man. She simply was trying to seek out a “normal life.” And she believed that by simply living her life happily and peacefully, she was being her own kind of activist: one who quietly but clearly dispels the lies and myths that GLBT people are not normal people too. It stroke a chord with me then, and in reconsidering the reasons of why I am speaking publicly, it’s rings true with me again. I do not want to aim my writing to engage people in debate. I want to simply document my perspective, one that has been nearly invisible in our society, into something visible.
Yes, I realize I might be getting repetitive with these conclusions. But since starting this blog, I have been still trying to grasp the exact motivation for writing. Well, what can I say? It’s a blog, and it’s reflexive in nature. But I think I’m drawing to end with this long train of thought about why this blog exists. Next time, I hope to get the truth about seatbelts out there and share some stories about the meaning of same-sex civil marriage. Stay tuned…
May 10, 2005
Mother’s day
For the first time in about ten years, I talked to my mother again about gay and lesbian civil rights.
I remember that the first time the discussion came up was after some related news on TV. I turned around and asked my mother for her opinion. She told me that in her mind, gay and lesbian’s lives were not her business. As long as they don’t “flaunt it” she didn’t really care what they did behind doors. I don’t suppose that she remembers that discussion very well. I don’t suppose she realizes how many times I thought those comments over in the eight years of deciding to come out to her.
Fast forward to just few days ago: In a discussion of censorship in China (stemming from a recent post on my Chengdu Blog), we came around to discussing an example I had put forth about an Alabama legislator wanting to ban books by gay authors or about gay characters in the public school libraries. I was honestly just about as nervous talking to her about gay and lesbian politics in America as I was on the day I came out to her after eight years of silence. But this time, it was my mother who initiated the conversation. It was her who said, “I pay attention now when I see news about this topic.” In our relatively brief conversation, this was the line that stood out to me in direct opposition to my memory of our past conversation.
We continued talking about my political stances that have been becoming more and more public about lately. She can’t help but get nervous when I start talking about Chinese censorship while living in China. “Speak softly,” she reminded me. It was hard for me to understand her meaning at first. But I realized her meaning was not to hush my dissent, but rather remind me to have discussions not arguments. My attitudes towards expressing political views have been changing remarkably fast lately. I have gone from a person who avoids any possible confrontation to person who is standing up publicly among my personal circle and this growing circle of readers on the Internet to declare my stance in black and white. Why?
First and foremost, the reason lies in the fact of how the laws have confronted me. Google News was my homepage back in the U.S. last year, before I came to China. And it was also one of the first of many news sources I quickly found to be banned by the government after I arrived in China. Same-sex marriage and immigration rights was the last thing on my mind when I was 16 and coming out. But when I fell in love with a non-U.S. citizen, I found out there is no way for her and I to have a future in the U.S.
I think my interaction with the world is also changing as I have been getting older and learning more. From events like the Cultural Revolution in China or the civil rights movement in the U.S., we have a stereotype of young people being highly political and instigators of change. But in my experience, youth seems to be a time of extreme selfishness. Up until recently, I have been too preoccupied with understanding my own ego to think about greater society. I have abstained from making value judgments and interfering with the status quo. While I still believe that this is mostly a “good” thing, I think about my mother’s comments. Her shift of attitudes from utterly ignoring the political issues of gays and lesbians to actively monitoring the contemporary topics has inspired me.
Though it seems to be human nature to put ourselves first, we also have the conflicting reality that we are social beings that need to interact with others and work together. As I experience the diversity of the world, I am learning to come to terms with the the fact that I cannot live in the bubble of my own existence. I assume many people see the discussion on gay and lesbian civil rights and irrelevant to their lives. I suppose my mother thought the very same thing up until the day she realized that her own daughter was gay. And now she has to acknowledge that the U.S. laws on gay and lesbian civil rights is the primary reason that her daughter is now half a world away.
So after our talk does my mother agree with all my opinions now? I don’t really know her all opinions yet. Our discussions have just begun. But more importantly, in my political development I am aiming to transcend above taking sides and forming too many opinions. I see the most crucial point as communication. If only people in the world could communicate freely and share their knowledge and experiences with people, I think many of our conflicts would quickly subside.
I still hesitate in making value judgments (and I regret those times that I make them without thinking). In my discussion on homosexuality, I don’t assume that I could possibly see eye to eye with everyone. But I do believe that we can come to a consensus that can mediate between the inevitable differences between people. Of course, I can hardly claim to have transcended pettiness. I would like to think that most of the time I have focused on sharing my experience and not dictating to others the way things ought to be. But… for all the other times, there is the “Comments” section! Yes, I am still inviting anyone and everyone to jump in whenever they would like to share their experiences/feelings/knowledge and speak up if you feel that I have neglected to consider another perspective.
April 15, 2005
Why same-sex marriage?
In the course of the debate on same-sex marriage, I believe a lot of issues have become blurred. I think to speak about the topic from a personal perspective can help people reframe what the debate is truly about. For myself, the issue is deeply personal and the current laws prohibiting same-sex marriage have radically affected my life.
So what does same-sex marriage mean to me?
- I could legally live with my partner in the U.S. In my opinion, this argument trumps everything else. All I really want is to be able to have a life with the person I love. The conservative religious leaders can keep making their argument about sodomy, democrats can keep cooking up schemes of “separate but equal” civil unions, and radical gays can keep saying I’m just trying to assimilate myself into a heterosexist mainstream society. But in no uncertain terms I disagree vehemently with them. What does Leviticus have to do with me being able to share a meal with my girlfriend? How are civil unions going to be equal when they will never be able to help sponsor a same-sex partner for immigration to the U.S.? Why can’t the GLBTs who see marriage as a heterosexist, misogynistic, repressive, etc. institution just live continue to live their own single or unmarried life and let me make my own decisions?
- I could have critical legal stability for my relationship.A year ago, just after my girlfriend returned home to Hong Kong after our two happy weeks of vacation together in Vancouver, she suddenly got sick. In the course of traveling we could not get a hold of each other for two days. Whenever there is a day I cannot get a hold of her, I always get a sick worry in my stomach: what if something terrible has happened? This time my nightmare came true. When I finally could contact her, the first words she said was, “I am in the hospital.” The doctors were submitting to her to every test imaginable to decipher the cause of her symptoms. Cancer had not yet been ruled out. I tried my best to keep my composure on the telephone and tell her that everything would be fine. The moment I hung up, I started sobbing. We have endured all sorts of hardships that come with a long-distance relationship for five years with unwavering belief that overcoming the superficial obstacles preventing us from being together is worth it for true love. Yet at that moment, I was filled with the despair that she could be fatally ill before we could even have the chance to live a “normal life” together. Beyond that fear was the knowledge that we had no legal protections whatsoever. We are complete strangers in the eyes of the laws of both our countries. Just to see each other, we are at the whims of the entry and exit laws of our countries. Fortunately, tests came up negative and she was released from the hospital a few days later. But I can never forget the utter despair of those few days and the legal uncertainties still hang over my head.
- I could aspire to create a family. After realizing I was gay, I naturally assumed that meant I could not get married or have a family. I never had the chance to make that choice because the option was never available to begin with. It was not until later that I realized while sexual orientation is an immutable fact of life, sharing a life with the person you love and raising kids is a lifestyle choice. There is nothing contradictory about being gay and having kids. There is an estimated one million children in the U.S. being raised by gay parents right at this moment. My girlfriend loves children and looks forward to raising kids. In fact, most humans have a natural desire to want to impart our life experience and knowledge to the next generation. We can all agreed that falling in love and having children are a fundamental part of the human experience. This is not a privilege or “special right.” But how can my girlfriend and I entertain having a family when we have no legal protections for ourselves, let alone our kids? Would it be fair to the children to raise them in legal limbo?
- I could share the significance of my relationship with my family and friends. I didn’t fully realize the importance of marriage until I went to my brother’s wedding two years ago. I still get teary-eyed when I remember my brother struggling to hold his own tears back during the ceremony as he spoke his vows. In fact, I don’t remember a single dry eye in the crowd. Not only were we witnessing the commitment of two people’s love but we were celebrating the joining of two families and the creation a new kinship. One of the most significant points of my relationship with my girlfriend has been meeting each other’s families. Celebrating Chinese New Year’s with her family in Hong Kong is a memory I will treasure forever, just as she loves to recall her time visiting my family in South Dakota. Every year since then, she has kept up a tradition of exchanging cards and gifts with them each Christmas. When my brother and her had a moment of family bonding and exchanged hugs, I was moved to tears once again. Family is just as important to me as it is to my heterosexual brother. What part of being gay is “anti-family”?
These fundamental aspects of the human experience–love and family–should be available to every human being. Such a notion of basic human rights was first expressed for the Western world in the Magna Carta of 1215. It is also precisely what the Declaration of Independence was talking about when it said, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” The understanding of civil rights have been further immortalized in constitutions and bill of rights of countries around the world, including the U.S. Moreover, the knowledge that all humans are equal and deserve legal protection of their fundamental freedoms is succinctly stated in the first sentence of the U.N.’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights, “Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world…”
Civilization has traveled the road of discrimination many times in the past. Whether it be gender, people of color, religious affiliations, sexual orientation, or any another distinguishing feature, they have all experienced the same wrong of being denied the full experience of a human being. This is cross-over point where same-sex marriage intersects with the African-American’s fight for civil rights, the woman’s fight for equality, the Jew’s fight for freedom from persecution, and so forth.
Since same-sex marriage has hit the forefront of American’s consciousness, there has been every argument for and against put forth. But I firmly believe that when people can understand the true issues at stake, the debate will become mute because I am convinced that people will not knowingly support discrimination against their own friends, family, and neighbors.
April 8, 2005
GLBTs in China
Yesterday I had a 5-hour conversation with a friend and a new acquaintance about sexuality and sex education plus some lengthy discussions on politics, culture and language. What made this conversation so unique was that we were three female college students sitting in McDonald’s in Chengdu, China talking openly about rather sensitive topics in Mandarin. Furthermore, our meeting was quite deliberate. I have been living and studying in Chengdu (a large city in southwestern China) for over a half a year now and have made friends with a number of other Chinese students at the university. I already came out to one my Chinese friends earlier and we had talked openly a number of times about gay and lesbian issues in both China and America. In our previous conversations, she kept referring to another friend she knew who was very up on the research of homosexuality in China and even other mutual friends of ours kept bringing up her name with me. She had gained a unofficial title of a “professional on the topic of homosexuality” among her circle of friends and I was dying to talk with her in person about what she knew. So, of all places, we ended up talking about these issues over a long dinner at McDonald’s (and even later talking about the negative impressions they had of American culture).
It was probably one of the most significant conversations I have had with Chinese people on these topics. Moreover, we were speaking in the national language of China (with my two friends occasionally exchanging jokes and side notes in the local dialect). I think that the language aspect is worth pointing out because I feel there is a much different feeling when people are talking in their native language about such topics. For instance, there is a widespread belief in China that homosexuality has been “imported” from Western countries. Indeed, one could argue that certain perceptions of homosexuality have been borrowed but Chinese history has plenty of references to homosexuality itself. During our long talk, we noted the many English and Chinese words that are used by gays and lesbians within their circle and by the general population. The below is a sampling of some of the Chinese words related to homosexuality that I have become familiar with during my talks with other Chinese people and through my occasional Internet research. Notice the mixture of cultural influences that come to play in some of these words, especially 同志 (tóngzhì).
- 男風 (nánfēng): This is a word from ancient China referring to the traditions of male homosexuality.
- 断袖之癖 (duànxiù): This is also a word from ancient China. It literally means “passions of the cut sleeve” and is related to a classic love story.
- 同志 (tóngzhì): This is perhaps the most interesting term for GLBTs in China. It originally meant “comrade” (but also has the meaning of “people of the same thought/desire”) and was the term of address popular in the early Communist era of China. Today, it has fallen from use as a form of address but has been adopted as a very inclusive term to refer to gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered. It is similar to “queer” in English.
- 同性恋者 (tóngxìngliànzhě): This is the scientific term for gays and lesbians. It best translates as “homosexual” and, like the English word, isn’t consider very colloquial.
- T／P: These two words can be roughly translated as “butch” and “femme” respectively. Chinese lesbians often use these words to identify themselves as having a masculine or feminine nature.
- 下／上 (xià/shàng): These two words can be roughly translated as “bottom” and “top” respectively and used among gay mean.
- 拉拉 (lālā): This is a slang term for lesbian that is used more within the community rather than by outsiders.
- 基 (Cantonese: gei1): This is a borrowing from English that is also given a Chinese character which has nearly the same pronunciation as the English word. The word can also take on the native suffix for “man” (佬 lo5) which demonstrates how it has truly become a Cantonese word.
- 玻璃 (bōlí): This word originally means glass but now can refer to a very visible gay man, similar to the word “flaming” but the Chinese word is used as a noun.
So why the big lesson in linguistics of the GLBT subculture in China? One, I am a linguist so I just personally get really excited over such things. Secondly, I think it is worth pointing out the words so people can witness the similarities and differences of how homosexuality is identified in different cultures. One aspect of language that fascinates me is how two completely unrelated languages can independently come up with metaphors or colloquial phrases that are exactly the same in meaning. This observation always reminds me of the fact that all of us around the world and through the ages share a common humanity.
Among the other interesting aspects of my discussion yesterday was understanding the prevailing attitudes towards homosexuality in China. Obviously, by the evidence of my meeting there is a significant number of people who are tolerant and accepting of GLBT people in China. However, as a whole, there is still a majority of negative attitudes. Parents of a gay child often think of it as an incredible shame in their life. As said earlier, some view homosexuality as part of the foreign corruption of China. Not many Chinese people are aware of the rich and tolerant history of homosexuality in China’s past. There are very few public gay figures and most of those who are out are in the entertainment industry. Even then, their gay identity may only be known among gay and lesbian circles. In general, most GLBT people remain closeted with their friends and family. Only a few might have a circle of gay and lesbians friends they can be open with. One of the biggest recent revolutions for gay and lesbians in China is the Internet. There are a large number of well-developed community websites and the instant messenger client “QQ” allows GLBTs to meet and talk with others online.
But it also needs to be said that attitudes towards sex in general in China remain fairly conservative. The concept of sexual liberation is only just beginning here. The young generation here has grown up with parents who likely never talked about sex with their children. Thus, it’s not until college that many students start learning both information and misinformation from friends,TV/movies (yes, even porn), books, etc. about conception, sexual health, and sexual orientation. I have met and heard about a number of young women who said up until college they did not know how a woman becomes pregnant. I have talked to young women who said they were never taught about menstruation and were very frightened the first time they had their period. To be honest, I also felt frightened to hear some of their experiences. I worry about the young people’s health if they do not even understand the basics of preventing STD’s and pregnancy. The fact is that withholding sexual health information from the young people and even promoting a morality of sexual modesty still doesn’t stop them from having sex. On a related note, AIDS among gay men is also a growing concern since many Chinese gay men are not practicing safe sex.
However, there is a significant difference between the behavioral attitudes towards homosexuality between the U.S. and China. People who are intolerant of homosexuality are very unlikely to resort to physical attacks like the beatings and murders we have heard about in the U.S. An intolerant person will most likely express their disapproval by distancing them self from the other person. The cases of gays and lesbians being physically attacked that do exist are often because of parents or possibly the police. It can be said this appears to be an overall cultural difference between Americans and Chinese. That is, Chinese prefer to avoid direct confrontation.
I must say, our discussion was very enlightening. Although it was sad to have acknowledge that the lives of GLBTs in China was still very difficult, it was very heartening to see that positive changes were happening. Why, just being together and talking about these topics was evidence of this change. Also, I recently got an underground magazine from my new acquaintance on GLBTs in China. Seeing the professionalism of the magazine, I was quite impressed. It is very interesting to witness first-hand what I would dare to call “the birth of a new social movement” in China.
To conclude, the moment in my discussion that I will forever remember was a line from my friend about the woman who was so knowledgeable in homosexuality, “If it wasn’t for her, no one in our class who would so accepting of gays!” It was clear that by this one woman simply sharing her knowledge of homosexuality and dispelling the false myths that people had, she had already changed the attitudes of a significant number of people. It floored me to realize that bringing positive change in this world is really just that simple: sharing our knowledge with others.
If you want to know more about homosexuality in China, check out Wikipedia’s informative article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_China. By the way, www.wikipedia.org also happens to be an incredible example of people around the world sharing their knowledge freely with others.
April 2, 2005
Cause of homosexuality and equal rights
It is embarrassing to say this, but when I first met a woman from Hong Kong who called herself lesbian (now my girlfriend of five years), I was quite surprised. I thought to myself: Is there are truly women who love women everywhere in the world? I think this experience was such a shock to me, because homophobia in my own society had made me doubt that homosexuality is an innate part of the human race. There are many people who see homosexuality as a modern-day or American or Western phenomenon. But the fact is that it has existed in the human race since our very beginning and crosses all cultural, social, racial, religious, and language backgrounds.
When I was in Hong Kong a month ago, I heard about a small booklet of oral narratives from Hong Kong women who love women that had been published. I have long been wanting to know more about the gay community in Hong Kong but much of the literature is in Chinese and I was not able to read it before. This time however, after all my diligent efforts to learn Chinese, I could actually be able to appreciate and understand the prespectives of Hong Kong women who love women.
I found a short quote that was quite meaningful to me. I think it parallels, in some ways, the relevation I’ve discussed above. I have translated it below:
“Before I used to wonder: why am I a woman? Because I liked women, yet it seemed that this society had made a rule of that only a man and a woman can be together. When I was about 10 years old, I wondered: why am I not a man then? I didn’t know that there was such a thing as homosexuality…until my first girlfriend told me: ‘Actually if you were to become a guy, I wouldn’t love you. I love you, because you are a girl and not a guy.’ At that moment I felt that this is the way it has always been. Actually there never was any rule that only a man and a woman could fall in love.”
–A Sai, born in 1971 (Hong Kong Women who have Same-Sex Desires Oral History 1950-2004)
I think of this story as a response to the perennial “nature vs. nuture” debate on homosexuality. The reason why it is so powerful to me, is that it transcend all those frivalous arguments and focuses on the human prespective. We do not need to determine whether introvertism or extrovertism is genetic before we decide to treat all people, regardless of their social predisposition, equally.
There are people who think that if we talk about homosexuality then more children will “become” gay (and vice versa, if we don’t talk about it, then children won’t be gay). But history and people’s stories (just like the one above) can attest to the fact this is simply untrue. A child doesn’t not need to know the word for their inner feelings before they can have that feeling. But then, why even discuss homosexuality and transgenderism if this is the case? Because a child who has such feelings and yet never learns the words to express themself is going to be constantly feeling deeply misunderstood. But even more serious is that the only information that they do hear about these issues is negative, which leads them to believe their fundamental nature is wrong, evil, disgusting, etc.
If you are straight, imagine if you were taught that attraction to the opposite sex is disgusting and must never be expressed or acted upon. The fact is no matter how hard you try to become “normal,” you would be seriously conflicted. Not only would you be severely conflicted inside, you would have to live knowing that your boss would probably fire you if he found out, your parents would likely disown you, and you’d never be able to seek out true love. The fact is you probably cannot imagine such scenario, you’d sooner want to be dead then have suffer such a terrible treatment from society. But yet, this is reality for a number of GLBT Americans face everyday.
There is an excellent parody of the negative attitudes that gays and lesbians have to deal with everyday. Among the questions, here’s a few choice ones:
- How long have you been heterosexual?
- What do you think caused you to become heterosexual?
- Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase and you’ll grow out of it?
The point here is that straight people simply take it for granted that they are straight. It’s not something any of them have to think over and decide. It’s not something any of them think is mutable. However, homosexuality suddenly becomes a different matter to many people. Despite our existence in all societies since the beginning of time, we are considered to be a “evil” or “defective.” Left-handed people were also labeled as evil before and discriminiated against. Christian, Jewish, and Islamic religious history can even be used to support the belief left-handedness with evil and satanic forces. Why do we hear so many arguments that major religions are against homosexuality but none about left-handers? So, for the vast majority of right-handers reading this: When did you decide to be a right-handed person? What do you think caused your right-handedness? Have you tried changing it?
Indeed, the cause of left-handedness is still under discussion but no one is debating whether left-handed people should be able to get married or enjoy the same civil rights as everyone else. In the same vein, I conclude that understanding the exact cause of homosexuality or transgenderism is irrelevant to treating GBLT people equally.
March 24, 2005
Anti-discrimination legislation and freedom of beliefs
There are a number of quotes from various public people that have captured my attention. Some are incredible quotes that can inspire me and give me hope for the future. Some are incredibly frustrating because I wish I could respond to them and talk with the person who made the comment to expel the misunderstandings that keep us apart.
Here the recent quote that caught my attention when reading the news on the anti-discrimination bill that is being considered in the Washington state Senate right now:
“Tens of thousands if not millions of Christians hold that homosexuality is a reprehensible lifestyle. So when we’re saying it is a lifestyle that must be accepted … you’re going to have to allow something you think is reprehensible to be looked on as being OK.”
–Randy Leskovar, senior pastor of Calvary Chapel in West Seattle
This quote is not just an isolated incident, it has been stated in different words many times over. This quote implies that protecting the civil rights of GLBT Americans means forcing all Christians (and other people) who condemn homosexuality to radically change their beliefs and that if enough Christians condemn a behavior then it is the obligation of the U.S. government to enshrine their beliefs in law.
Enacting anti-discrimination legislation will NOT oblige any person to change their beliefs. To make some parallel comparisons: Although the country has overwhelming agreed to enact racial anti-discrimination laws in every aspect of our lives (companies, schools, local, state, federal, etc), white supremacists (even those who quote the Bible) are still free to hold whatever beliefs they may be inclined to. However, a white supremacist who physically attacks or intimidates a person based on race will have to change their behavior if they intend to avoid criminal persecution. Thus, for those who condemn homosexuality, they can freely continue to hold their beliefs regardless of any legislation protecting the civil rights of GLBT Americans. In the case of the bill being debated in Washington state, religious organizations are specifically exempt from the anti-discrimination legislation. So what is the effects of adding the words “sexual orientation” to the state’s existing anti-discrimination legislation that protects the civil rights of people regardless of race, creed, sex, etc? Non-religious employers would not be able to fire someone solely because they are gay or transgendered. Public resorts and accommodations would not be able to exclude people solely because they are gay or transgendered.
As the laws stand now, a Christian manager in a non-religious company cannot fire their subordinate because they are Buddhist. Does this mean that Christian boss has to accept Buddhism, cast aside his belief that “one should not worship false idols,” and even convert to Buddhism? Of course, this is preposterous. The Christian boss only has to acknowledge that every American has the right to equal opportunity and equal treatment under the law. Meanwhile, he or she can continue to hold and practice their personal beliefs without intervention from the government. The Christian boss is in fact enjoying the side effect of having a government which promises separation of church and state. Every person has freedom of religion and freedom to believe whatever they wish.
This brings me to my second response. The founding principles of the American government is that legislation is not based on any particular religion. Despite the number of Catholics in the U.S., it would be against the fundamental nature of the government to suggest banning contraceptives and enshrining over edicts from the Pope into state or national laws. Thus, justifying discrimination of GLBT Americans solely because of a certain number of Christian followers in the country is as absurd as justifying discrimination of non-Christian followers or even banning non-Christian religions altogether. If we were to go down this road, then which Christian denomination is morally correct? What about the many Christian denominations which accept homosexuality (like Metropolitan Church of Christ, United Church of Christ, Unitarian Universalist, etc) or are currently debating the issue (like the Episcopalian Church (USA), Presbyterian Church (USA), United Methodist Church, etc)? There is hardly universal agreement on this issue, you can see more information on the stances of different denominations at ReligiousTolerance.org.
However, I would beg into question the philosophy of the majority arbitrarily deciding which civil rights minorities are entitled. For the sake of argument, let’s make the plausible statement that most Christians oppose sex out of marriage. Then does is seem reasonable to put legislation up for debate on whether children born out of wedlock or their parents should be protected from employment discrimination or access to public facilities? Again, the idea seems preposterous and is truly a slippery slope. If the civil rights of people can be put to vote, then no one is immune to having their civil rights suddenly taken away. Furthermore, the Constitution guarantees civil rights for every American. We would never consider putting the First Amendment up for vote because we believe that free speech is a civil right that every person is innately entitled to. This argument I am making obviously has a lot of implications about my opinions on the supposedly “activist judges” and other legislation regarding civil rights of GLBT Americans. I planned to address some of these issues in future posts.
