March 9, 2005
Starting a dialogue…
One year ago, in the build-up of the big day when same-sex marriages were to become legal in Massachusetts and Canada’s Supreme Court had ruled it was unconstitutional to deny gay and lesbians the right to marriage, I was getting drawn into the growing media storm as well. On Feb 5, the day after the Massachusetts Supreme Court reiterated that civil unions for same-sex couples is not good enough and that only marriage could satisfy the state constitution’s promise of equality for all, I sent an excited email to my girlfriend, “Maybe the laws in the U.S. are going to change sooner than I think.” In less than two weeks, I saw the pictures of same-sex couples standing in the rain, waiting for hours, even camping out around the San Francisco City Hall to get married. Like a firestorm, cities all across the U.S. were suddenly on the map of controversy: New Paltz, NY; Sandoval County, NM; Multnomah County, OR… Many more cities were also staging protests, debating legislation, and starting court challenges. I was checking news reports every hour and sending out emails until I finally could not keep up with it anymore. For the first time ever, I began to feel a ray of hope for my future in the U.S. In those few months, it seemed like anything might be possible including the possibility that my long-term girlfriend and I would finally be able to live in the same hemisphere.
I so much wanted to jump on the bandwagon at that time. Finally, here was a cause I could really fight for! Besides my email to friends and family, I started to write on my personal time about my own experience and the significance of legalizing same-sex marriage. I even went so far to develop a website to open discussion on homosexuality and same-sex marriage. I was gathering up the courage to send out the big email to my address book that was going to be the call to action, the call for my friends and family to stand up for equality, give a few dollars to the cause, and make their voice heard. But amidst my other responsibilities in my daily life and the court decisions ending the issuing of marriage licenses in California, New York, Oregon, and New Mexico, the website sat stagnant and the email went uncomposed. The fact was that writing that email also meant having to deal with the very delicate issue of my own identity. Despite being “out” for seven years, it has always been information that is shared to differing degrees in different circles. While I had long overcome the hardest part of coming out to the immediate family and many friends, I still had a longer list of extended family, friends, and acquaintances that didn’t know. Unfortunately not all of them live and breathe the progressive political air of Seattle either. It didn’t matter that I was financially independent of them or living a few thousands miles apart. The fact was I could not imagine how my political stance would not cause a tremendous rift in a family where people had once told me “Those type of people (read: gays) deserve to die” or “You can’t say you agree with that filth?” Who’s to say what would come next when the inevitable truth about oneself would come out.
And that’s just how it went. Each day I told myself, maybe tomorrow will be a more appropriate time to stand up for civil rights. A year has gone by, the case of same-sex marriage is currently at a stand still in the U.S. and I went ahead and packed up my life possessions to begin my life outside of the country. Now I am even more thousands of miles away from those same family and friends. But the guilt is overtaking me. Despite my exile, I am a lucky one. At least I could find a way to avoid the government’s oppression of my pursuit of happiness. In just a few more months I will be reunited with my girlfriend of these last five years. But so far our solution is as permanent as a teenager running away from home. When our time is up, where do we run to next?
The fact is that time alone isn’t going to take care of the problems. And justice doesn’t prevail without a struggle. It’s my belief that the only way GLBT people are going to attain equality is by standing up one by one and starting a dialogue with whoever will listen. I don’t believe we are fighting against a particular religion, political organization, etc. We are fighting against ignorance, plain and simple. I think this fact became abundantly clear when I found that my friends who are supporters of GLBT equality themselves still didn’t even understand why I could not just sponsor my girlfriend for U.S. citizenship. If our very supporters do not understand the civil rights we are lacking, how can we possibly expect those who fear us to know what is really at stake? But I hold the optimistic view that when people see and understand injustice with their own eyes, they will want to rectify it. Thus, this is the reason why I have finally decided to begin a dialogue and speak out about the injustice I and millions of other Americans have suffered.
